"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes-and ships-and sealing-wax-
Of cabbages-and kings-
And why the sea is boiling hot-
And whether pigs have wings."

- The Walrus and the Carpenter by Lewis Carrol
(From Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

Friday, January 28, 2011

Mixed Emotions

Today marks the end of my solo flight in caring for Abbey.  While I have two weeks of maternity leave to go, our nanny starts next week so we can have some time together to train and get used to one another before I go back to work full time.  I am full of mixed emotions about all of this.  I have so enjoyed being home with Abbey over the past ten weeks.  I love that it was my sole job and responsibility to take care of her and my husband.  No meetings.  No annoying co-workers.  No budget worries.  No faxing or copying or filing.  No one to manage.  No one to manage me.  Just the three of us - and the dogs - a happy family co-op.

It's been grand.

Luckily, when I do go back to work in two weeks, I get to work from home almost exclusively for the next three months.  Sure, I'll have to schlep to the office for a meeting here and there, but for the most part, I'll still be at home with my little one with relief from the nanny 2-3 days a week so I can really get some work done and take a meeting once in a while.  I think that if I were facing a full-time return to the office, I'd be spending the next two weeks pleading with my husband to let me quit my job.  I'm just not ready for that yet. 

And yet...

Part of me is also looking forward to some adult time.  Abbey's not the best conversationalist yet.  I miss strategic planning beyond how to get to two stores on one feeding in the afternoon.  I miss office gossip.  And sometimes I feel a little guilty for feeling this way, but I know that I am not alone in these feelings.  So many working Moms experience them.  The great tug of war we must face as mothers.

I'm also glad that I have this two week transition period.  I'm going to be taking some me-time.  I already have a mani/pedi set up with a good friend.  A hair appointment.  Plans for some shopping.  And the big finale - our first family trip.  On a plane, even!  It's a lot to look forward to and it numbs some of the sadness that I'm feeling. 

But, I have to acknowledge that through my mild case of depression and anxiety today, I think mostly I'm thankful.  I'm thankful that I've had this time with my daughter.  I am thankful because I know a lot of women - a lot of Moms - who aren't as lucky.  As I write this, Abbey is snoozing happily and as I gaze at her I'm filled with such joy.  For the past ten weeks I've been able to study that sweet face of hers every day.  To get to know her a little better with each passing moment.  The time that we've had together is time I could never get back.  Thank goodness I knew that going in to this.  I would have missed so much.

1 comment:

  1. I'm tearing up ... and it's not the hormones ... I think ...
    Thanks for sharing such sweet sentiments :)