There and Back Again

Getting on the plane.

I'll start this blog with a blanket apology to all of my friends in the Washington, DC Metro area.

I'm sorry.

Rumors are true, I was in town this past weekend.  I was in stealth mode and aside from family, I didn't see anyone.  There was just no way to pack it all in.  But I still love you.  All of you.  I do.

Moving on.

Uncle Jim, Cousin Molly & Abbey

Abbey and I took our first trip together to one of my favorite cities ever - and a very special place for her father and I given it's where we met, fell in love, and got married.  We traveled to Washington, DC to meet Uncle Jim, Aunt Val, and cousins Kelsey, Nathaniel and Molly.  We were also celebrating my big brother's milestone 40th birthday.  It was a special trip all around.

One thing was certainly missing.  At the last minute, a pile of work was dumped on Scott and he found himself in a difficult situation and unable to come with us.  We were sad.  I was angry.  Not angry so much at the hubs - not his fault, and he felt horrible - but angry with his employer.  But I quickly got over it when I remembered how rarely this kind of thing happens, and how comfortable we live thanks to said employer.  We'll let this one slide.  But it does suck all around that Abbey's Daddy missed her first trip.  Huge bummer.

Fortunately for Mommy (brave, brave Mommy) Abigail was the *perfect* baby all weekend.  She did not cry on the plane.  She did not cry in the car.  She did not cry near or far.  In fact the only real tears came at the end of brunch on our last day in town, and that was out of shear exhaustion and lasted all of maybe two minutes.  Thank you, sweet daughter, for behaving yourself.

...is she becoming a Caps Fan?

This trip also restored my faith in humanity.  Even though I made every effort to pack exceptionally light.  And I mean Exceptionally.  Babies still come with a lot of gear.  We had a backpack containing everything for the two of us (clothes, 2 oz toiletries since we didn't check bags, baby blankets, toys, breast pump accessories, and a lot of diapers), plus Abbey's diaper bag, 20 ounces of breast milk, a stroller and a car seat.  Getting it all through security on my own was tricky.  But both coming and going, there were kind fellow travelers - probably parents who had been there - who helped me along.  In particular, the folks at Denver's airport were so kind, offering a warm smile and a pat on the shoulder while saying, "take your time, dear.  It's not a race."  Thank you.  Seriously.

But mostly, the four star helper on this trip came in the form of an angelic flight attendant from Ireland.  How I wish I knew your name.  She hooked us up.  Extra pillows.  Free snacks for a nursing mom.  Two huge bottles of water (dude breast feeding on a plane makes one thirstier than the Sahara).  She held Abbey and walked her up and down the aisle so I could use the bathroom in peace.  She carried the diaper bag.  She set up the stroller when we arrived in DC.  She was wonderful.  So, United Airlines - whoever this flight attendant is who was on the plane from Denver to DC leaving Friday at 11.30 am.  She's a keeper. 

On the plane coming home.

By far the best part of the trip, however, was spending some quality time with the family.  Abbey's cousin Molly is deeply in love with baby Abigail.  Aunt Val was a trooper and watched Abbey for an afternoon while my brother and I enjoyed ourselves at a Caps game.  I rode in his Porsche.  Definitely a highlight.  We were out and about, the schedule was jostled, but Abbey just rolled with it, with bright wide eyes taking it all in.  And on the trip home, we both crashed out together on the plane.  While I'm not exactly eager to do it again anytime soon, the whirlwind trip was certainly a memorable success.

Mary Poppins

Our nanny is like a younger, modern version of Mary Poppins.

Okay, maybe I exaggerate.

But she's frickin' awesome.

This was our first week of letting someone else care for our baby.  I'm not going to lie, it was rough in the beginning.  More for me than for Abbey.  Abbey is fine.  But it's difficult to watch someone else care for your baby.  I was a wee mess of anxiety there for a while - full of worries.  Would she take a bottle?  Would she eat enough?  Will she cry the whole time?  Will she nap?  Will the dogs behave themselves?  Will the nanny be attentive? 

I'm happy to report it all went well.

There were some bumps along the way the first day.  Abbey wasn't thrilled to be with the nanny when she knew I was around.  She wasn't eager to take a bottle.  She wasn't eating a ton.  (Nothing will send me off to a neurotic spree like thinking my baby isn't getting enough to eat - how I OBSESS about this kid and how much she's eating and whether it's enough.)  But day two was awesome.  I mean AWE.SOME.  No crying! A nice long nap! Plenty of eating!  Tummy time!  Activities!  Singing!  Books! CLEAN BOTTLES AND COUNTERTOPS!

Yay.  And Whew.  Abbey was a champ - she had a great day.

I had a pretty good one, too.  I was only away from Abbey for a few hours at a time, and while it was nice to have a taste of freedom, I missed my girl every minute.  I also felt a little bit guilty to be shopping at Nordstrom Rack instead of being with her.  The ugly truth is I felt more like myself for the first time in months.  Well, the new version of myself.  Because everything has changed.  I'm glad for that.  I never thought that something would pry me from a sales rack so easily.

At the end of the day, after the nanny went home, we enjoyed a wonderful, tear-free night with our little one.  I made dinner for the first time in months, giving my husband a needed break after working all week.  He got to watch the hockey game uninterrupted.  I got to watch my DVR recording of "Grey's Anatomy" while Abbey napped in my arms.  We then enjoyed a restful 9 hours of sleeping baby overnight, and happy smiles this morning.  We all got a break from one another yesterday.  My worries have pretty much evaporated.

Thank you, Mary Poppins.

Better Than CATS

It was a rough morning this morning.

I woke up cranky.  Now that Abbey is sleeping through the night, I feel even more tired.  How is that possible?  I'm getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night, so boo hoo, right?  I think I must be needing some catch-up rest.  I didn't sleep well during the final weeks of my pregnancy and haven't slept well since.  Four months of not a lot of sleep adds up!  I go to bed at night, close my eyes, and next thing I know it's 5am and Abbey is chirping for breakfast.

So glad she's a good sleeper.

Usually, I leap out of bed quickly - happy to see my daughter again.  This first nursing of the day is often my favorite time with her.  She smiles up at me when I pick her up from her crib.  She holds my hand while nursing.  It's all pretty sweet and tender.

But this morning, I just wasn't feeling it.  I wanted to sleep more.  I was having a very good dream.  The bed was so warm and comfy.  But motherhood called.

Luckily, I thought to myself, I can chill after she goes back to sleep.  The second favorite part of my mornings now immediately follow that 5am feeding.  Abbey goes back to sleep for 2-3 hours, I watch The Today Show in bed with coffee, grab a shower, and make the bed.  It's my own personal routine.  It's also the only real "me time" that I get all day.  I love it.  I need it.  I count on having it every morning.  It helps keep me together.

But this morning, Abbey wasn't feeling it.

We nursed, as normal, had a diaper change, and she was giving me all the cues that she was ready to go back to sleep.  Unfortunately, every time she drifted off and I put her back in her crib, she woke up.  Fussier and crankier each time.  I tried all my tricks.  The swaddle.  The bouncy walk around the room.  The "sshhh".  Rocking in the chair.  Singing.  Different rocking positions.  Swaying.  No luck.  I grew more and more frustrated as my "me time" was waning.  I heard Scott get up and head to the shower, so I knew it was after 6am.  Then I heard him get out of the shower.  Then, the dogs needed to be let out.  All the while the sun was gently rising and the room was getting lighter.  Before I knew it, my "me time" had vanished and it was already time for Abbey's next feeding. 

I would feel like a bad mother for even admitting this, except I also know all parents have been there.  At one point, I just had to leave her whining alone in her crib, go into our bedroom and close the door.  Just to have a break.  It's not like she was screaming and inconsolable.  She just wanted to be held and sleep only in my arms.  But I didn't want that.  I wanted that brief amount of time that I need to get myself in a good place to take on the day.  So, I left her crying so I could make the bed.  Sad, isn't it?  That's what I would opt to do instead of soothing my crying child.  But she was safe in her crib, and I needed to step away.  A few minutes later, I returned to her room, she had calmed herself down a bit, I picked her up and we started over. 

I nursed her for a while, and then held her looking at her.  She was no longer sleepy, but all smiles.  I smiled back and bounced her on my lap.

And that's when it happened.

She got the biggest grin, opened her mouth wide, and laughed.

She laughed.

For the first time.  A sweet little giggle.  Looking right at me with a big, gummy grin and bright, shiny eyes.  My day had just taken a turn for the better.

Abbey laughed, I cried, and it was better than CATS.

Mixed Emotions

Today marks the end of my solo flight in caring for Abbey.  While I have two weeks of maternity leave to go, our nanny starts next week so we can have some time together to train and get used to one another before I go back to work full time.  I am full of mixed emotions about all of this.  I have so enjoyed being home with Abbey over the past ten weeks.  I love that it was my sole job and responsibility to take care of her and my husband.  No meetings.  No annoying co-workers.  No budget worries.  No faxing or copying or filing.  No one to manage.  No one to manage me.  Just the three of us - and the dogs - a happy family co-op.

It's been grand.

Luckily, when I do go back to work in two weeks, I get to work from home almost exclusively for the next three months.  Sure, I'll have to schlep to the office for a meeting here and there, but for the most part, I'll still be at home with my little one with relief from the nanny 2-3 days a week so I can really get some work done and take a meeting once in a while.  I think that if I were facing a full-time return to the office, I'd be spending the next two weeks pleading with my husband to let me quit my job.  I'm just not ready for that yet. 

And yet...

Part of me is also looking forward to some adult time.  Abbey's not the best conversationalist yet.  I miss strategic planning beyond how to get to two stores on one feeding in the afternoon.  I miss office gossip.  And sometimes I feel a little guilty for feeling this way, but I know that I am not alone in these feelings.  So many working Moms experience them.  The great tug of war we must face as mothers.

I'm also glad that I have this two week transition period.  I'm going to be taking some me-time.  I already have a mani/pedi set up with a good friend.  A hair appointment.  Plans for some shopping.  And the big finale - our first family trip.  On a plane, even!  It's a lot to look forward to and it numbs some of the sadness that I'm feeling. 

But, I have to acknowledge that through my mild case of depression and anxiety today, I think mostly I'm thankful.  I'm thankful that I've had this time with my daughter.  I am thankful because I know a lot of women - a lot of Moms - who aren't as lucky.  As I write this, Abbey is snoozing happily and as I gaze at her I'm filled with such joy.  For the past ten weeks I've been able to study that sweet face of hers every day.  To get to know her a little better with each passing moment.  The time that we've had together is time I could never get back.  Thank goodness I knew that going in to this.  I would have missed so much.

Like a Needle to the Heart

We recently endured the suffering that only a new parent can know.  Our child was vaccinated.

Now, before I get started, I know that some people find this to be controversial territory.  There's been a lot of publicity surrounding vaccinations.  My purpose here (you know, this being my blog and all) is not to incite a riot.  I'm not trying to convince anyone one way or the other.  I just want to share my thoughts and experience with the subject.  Some of you reading this may not agree with me.  That's just fine.  But don't try to convince me otherwise - my mind's made up.  If you know me, then you know that's that.

So there.

That being said, watching our child get vaccinated was one of the most painful experiences.  No.  THE most painful experience I have endured thus far as a parent aside from childbirth.  I was not prepared for the decibels of screams that would come from our sweet, easy-going baby.  Abbey, Scott and I were all an emotional mess.  All I could think was, "MAH - POOR - BAAY-BEE!!"  It was like someone took that needle and stuck it right in my heart because I felt Horrible.  Capital H HORRIBLE.

But then, after the tears and some infant Tylenol and lots of naps for Abbey there came so much relief.

The decision to vaccinate Abbey was never a question for us.  Yes.  Absolutely.  I believe in the science behind it.  Yes, there are some risks.  I believe the benefits FAR outweigh the risks.  Other parents don't.  That's your decision.  I don't agree.  Good thing we don't have to swap children, huh? 

I know that there are several more painful shots to come our daughter's way.  That breaks my heart because I hate needles, too.  And I hate to hear my sweet baby cry or think of her in any pain.  And it's because of that we vaccinate her.  Because to think of her contracting something like the Measles or Whooping Cough or Polio.  Well, I think I would probably kill myself if I allowed that to happen on my watch.  Her screaming in the doctor's office lasted just a couple of minutes and it was nothing that some snuggles, swaddling, kisses and nursing couldn't cure.  And cure it, we did.  She's her normal happy go lucky self.  And I am a relieved Mommy who is a little less nervous about taking her newborn out into that big scary germ ridden world.

Blue Corn Maiden

This past weekend, my parents made the trek from Nebraska to Denver to finally meet Abigail.  Their tenth grandchild, my folks are a pro at the grandparent gig, but our time together was still very special and something I had been looking forward to.  In particular, I was looking forward to my father bringing Abbey her Zuni fetish.

No, not that kind of fetish, you dirty bird.

My father, an archaeologist, loves all things Native American.  He has given each of his grandchildren a Zuni fetish upon their birth following a "vision".  Traditionally, Zuni fetishes are small carvings made from various materials by the Zuni Indians. These carvings serve a ceremonial purpose and depict animals and icons integral to their culture.  For the holder of the fetish, the carvings are thought to bring luck or strength, much like a totem or talisman.

Grandpa has designated Abbey to be Blue Corn Maiden.  Corn, a main food staple, is a pretty big deal to the Zuni and held in much reverence.  It signifies life its self.  The Hopi of the Pueblo People also have a wonderful legend about the Blue Corn Maiden that I enjoyed reading.  Essentially, the Blue Corn Maiden was the most beautiful of the three corn maiden sisters.  She is a sign of springtime.  It's all quite appropriate.  Abbey really is like a perfect spring day - full of life and potential.  My little blue corn maiden. 


Thank you, Grandpa.

Two Months

It's crazy that Abigail will be two months old tomorrow.

She's changed so much in this short amount of time:

She's up at least four pounds over her birth weight and has grown at least three inches. Her two month well check is in a couple of days so I'll have the official stats then. 

She sleeps through the night.  Six hours minimum, but usually a solid seven and sometimes eight. 

She smiles.  On purpose.  With purpose.

She bats things around and started to grab things.  Like her Mom's hair.

She drools.  Lots.  And likes to put things in her mouth.

She's getting pretty darn good at that whole holding your head up thing.

She coo's and reacts to us recognizing our voices and faces and she is on the verge of laughing.  Any second, I just know it.

It's all just pretty incredible.  I'm so thankful to be able to have this time with her and not worry about work just yet.  I don't want to miss a minute of any of this.