Yesterday, I woke up to sweet baby chirpings at 5:30 am. Earlier than normal. That was okay. I sprung out of bed, swept Abbey up into my arms, and nursed her with tears streaming down my face.
I went back to work yesterday.
After I nursed Abbey, I held her, rocking together for the longest time. I was glad to have an extra stolen moment with her. My husband caught me crying in the nursery with her - not wanting to put her down. Every time I tried, my heart ached and I held her for just a little bit longer. And then the sun came up, and my time ran out.
I have to be clear here. I don't hate my job. I'm not lazy. I enjoy working. I just enjoy being a Mom more. And the biggest thing is that I don't want to miss anything. In the three short months that Abbey has been in our lives, she has grown and changed so much. Every day something new happens. Every single day. I don't want to miss a second of it.
How my heart ached yesterday.
I do have to say, however, that I worked more efficiently yesterday than I have in...well, probably ever. I told myself I'd be in and out of the office in four hours and I was. I got a lot done in that short amount of time. Everything on my to-do list and a little extra. So, that's a win.
I also have to say that I am really, really grateful that I work for an organization that "gets" how important this early time is with a baby. I got 12 weeks off. I get to work from home almost exclusively for another 12. Then, I have to commute to work just two days a week permanently thereafter. Oh woe is me, right? It's a good set-up. I'm glad for that. I'm also glad to have an at-home Nanny. I can swoop in and get all the baby snuggles I want when I need them, and have someone else deal with that poopy diaper. Plus, yesterday, she did laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and tidied Abbey's room. All of which frees up a little bit more quality time for me to have with Abbey. And that's the only cure for a sad, working mother.
There is no perfect solution to the "Mommy Wars" as they are called. The battle between working and staying home. This is as close to perfect as I could get. But even so, finding balance and muddling through all the mixed feelings will be a challenge, for sure.